Endometriosis Journal #1
It’s right around that time of the month, and i notice it coming while on the treadmill. I just can’t manage to push myself as hard as i’d like to because my stomach has a vague, all-over discomfort. I attempt to placate myself: “It could just be digestive,” but i know better than that by now. The treadmill is too much for me, and I barely make it through five minutes of the stationary bicycle before i have to go home. My entire abdomen feels stiff, none of my clothes are comfortable, and i can’t decide what to eat because i want to eat everything. Yep, it’s happening – this month’s episode of endometriosis.
Here’s how i know i’m on the verge of an episode:
I’m totally swollen, completely constipated, slightly uncomfortable at all times, and not turned on by the usual. I feel a slight frown on my face at all times. My back hurts. I haven’t been able to sleep for days (i had to go buy melatonin, finally). I can’t work out like i usually can. I’ve increased my exercise by a lot lately, and usually increased activity makes my endometriosis especially painful.
Bored and trying not to eat everything in sight, I half-heartedly attempt to masturbate – my boyfriend left for work in a rush, and i’m alone for some time – but i can’t enjoy myself. I’m actually wetter than i remember being in weeks, anyway, but my brain is completely spaced. I feel slightly grossed out and uncomfortable, kinda like when i see raw meat cuts at the grocery store. Totally not ideal for masturbating. I call it quits and haul myself back up to the gym.
Just the sight of my bloated body makes me depressed, and I feel even worse at the heaviness of it. And I can barely get dressed; just thinking about having to get up and put clothes on makes me want to get back in bed and call in sick for the day.
That was last night; today I’m sitting at work reading sex blogs – but i can’t relate or wrap my head around their topics in the slightest. Imagining myself in their positions – how it’d feel and all that – is not only extremely difficult, but leaves a small grimace upon my face and a furrowed brow to match. Sex in all forms just seems 100% totally unsexy. Gross, even. Disgusting. I want nothing to do with it.
It’s hard not to hate everything, including myself, while i’m bracing myself for the pain that’s about to ensue. If i could just zone out into a less-painful-comfy-brain-cloud……..I wish i had a medical card.
Endometriosis Journal #2
Today I feel mostly OK. I overslept my alarm despite getting enough sleep, and missed going to the gym because of it. I didn’t make it to the gym last night, either. My body was too tired. And i couldn’t sate my hunger. I fucked up my diet. It’s always at the oncoming of my period that i can’t stop eating and feeling hungry no matter what. As a compromise i tried to do a small amount of pilates but i could barely handle it.
I can’t skip the gym today and i’m trying to think of the best way to prevent it from being too painful. I’m convinced that more exercise can help my pain, but i know from experience that too much physical activity can also worsen my pain, and i’m desperate to find the balance! I want to work out and it makes me feel so frustrated that my body can’t keep up with it. When i was more fit i didn’t have as many issues with my health – or at least, i had different issues. I wonder if my endometriosis was brought on by hypothyroidism or vice versa, and i wonder how much of that has to do with my extreme drop from consistent exercise to no exercise at all……but i can’t find out if working out regularly will help the pain or not, when getting there is so painful, and my ballooned weight is just another reminder of the shit my body has to go through.
I tried to masturbate again – i couldn’t, really. There was no pleasure in it, and i couldn’t get out of my headspace and relax, so the fear was all too present. I could barely penetrate myself, either; it felt like there was a barrier stopping me from going any further than my inner labia.
Healthy is hard. I feel so stuck, and constantly afraid of the next episode, and whether or not i’ll be able to handle it. I think of the dark place i was in when my pain was at its worst, and am terrified of returning there. I like being able to move freely, damn it! What did i do to offend the Goddess Uterus?