Journal Entry 12/21/16, 2:00am
It’s day two of my boyfriend’s vacation. After a long work day, I feel like I want to masturbate, but it’s almost more for the routine it offers. Settle into bed, find some porn, choose a vibrator, and go.
I mean, it’s masturbating – its relaxing, it’s exhilarating, it’s stimulating. Perfect way to unwind, right?
Plus, i’m fairly new to the masturbation game – and I’m learning more about my body and my preferences each time.
And i’ve never had an orgasm. I want an orgasm. I want to figure out what gets me off. I want to tell my boyfriend when he gets home from his week away, “look! Look what I can do!”
But I can’t find any porn that I like. My clit isn’t responding to the vibes. I’m not in the mood for anything, and my usuals just aren’t doing it for me.
In fact, I’m bored. I try every vibe I have and nothing works. After a two-hour-long session, I have no results – just a clit that’s sore, tired, and throbbing angrily at me as if to say “how could you abuse me like this? “
Suddenly there’s a crash from the kitchen, and it’s as good an excuse as ever to finally give up.
After scolding the cat for breaking my favorite mixing bowl, I turn the porn off and put my vibe away. I just feel like watching South Park, nestling into bed and going to sleep.
A few months ago, I discovered something called anorgasmia, and it was a revelation for me. “Noun. persistent inability to achieve orgasm despite responding to sexual stimulation.”
The discovery came about a month into my new job at a sex shop. I was gifted a womanizer – no, not a shitty boyfriend, a toy – my first toy, ever. I’d read about this thing. I’d read that it caused orgasms within minutes. It promised orgasm after orgasm after orgasm. So that night, my boyfriend and i tried it out.
And i didn’t have an orgasm.
In fact, I’ve never had an orgasm.
I’ve been told that something’s wrong with me because of that.
I’ve been told to reconsider my sexuality because of that.
I’ve disappointed myself and many a partner because of that.
I’ve struggled with feelings of inadequacy, confused identities, and brokenness because of that.
When this holy grail toy couldn’t offer me an orgasm, i went to work trying to figure out why.
Every time i get close to a climax, i get scared and cease up. I push away my partner, my toy, whatever. I stop everything to avoid coming.
I have endometriosis and bipolar disorder. I do not take antidepressants, and my body did not adjust well to birth control pills, so at least i can say confidently that medication is not the reason for my orgasmless existence. According to what i’ve read, it’s likely a mix between psychological factors, and my health conditions.
I thought for some time that, because i’d never orgasmed, that i was a lesbian. Actually, my friends at the time told me that it meant i was a lesbian. And it made sense, anyway, because there was no questioning my attraction to girls. But when that didn’t answer my questions, i concluded that i must simply be asexual. I was confused, though, because i did feel sexual, i did want to be physical with people, and i couldn’t – at the time – accept that all of these things were possible for somebody identifying as asexual. I didn’t understand the potential meaning it had for me.
I had another revelation when my partner brought up the fact that it seems, to him, like i’m afraid to orgasm. I get close – and then i cut everything short, abruptly ending any and all physical contact that we may have been engaging in. I thought about this, and i realized that he was right. I’d been doing that for nearly all of my sexual life. As soon as i start to feel something, i panic and make it stop. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is that’s so scary to me; maybe the lack of bodily control, the anxiety of being witnessed by another person, the feeling that for some reason it’s going to be painful – all of the above. Coupled with the fact that endometriosis makes sex too painful to engage in for 3 out of 4 weeks every month, partner sex is a rarity for me anymore. I go through such severe mental ups and downs about it. I’ll be sitting at work, reading a blog, researching a toy, and i’ll think i want to have sex when i get home later, but by the time i leave work or by the time i get home i’ve lost all desire for intimacy. A couple times i’ve had success with planning sex. But i have to smoke weed, have a glass of wine – something, anything to help me lose the anxiety i have about having sex, anything to help me feel more brazen and confident. And that only works (if i had to guess) about 20% of the time. To combat endometriosis pain, i discovered that laying on my side – while infinitely awkward to arrange with my partner – thwarts the pain i typically feel during PIV intercourse. But that’s when i have partner sex at all.
I thought i just didn’t like sex anymore. I used to love it, desire it constantly. But – what i loved was performing sex. This is such a complicated thing to explain to people sometimes. I’m a complicated thing, sometimes. Most times. I like to give sex. I don’t like to receive. No matter the partner, no matter the method. I’m way more confident when performing. I know that my self-esteem has impacted this, and is a big reason why i don’t feel the desire to have partner sex.
Here’s a thought, though….why can’t i perform sex on myself? Obviously, i can, and i have been. The question remains, though, as to how that’s been going.
Well – i really did want to journal each and every step of this journey, but frankly, i’m a really busy person. As i’ve been around sex more, I’ve definitely seen an increase in arousal. Working in a sex shop four days a week, where i’m quite literally surrounded on all sides by hardcore porn and sex toys, has done a lot for stimulating my brain. Actually, i learned in a really cool study that “college-aged” women who were exposed to frequent – though short – bursts of pornographic material were more likely to become aroused more often, and i can’t say that the theory isn’t proving true for me. I find myself more often and more easily aroused, though orgasms are still a bit out of my reach. And using sex toys somewhat regularly has actually helped me a lot, too! I can’t wait to keep trying new things and seeing what my body responds to. I’m so excited to see what will get me to that point of no return. Trying new things and seeing what will prompt my body and mind to sync up to each other is nothing if not a fun experiment, and it really is fun. I hope i’ll be able to more consistently keep up with each experience as i make progress. It feels like now i’m closer than ever to my long-time dream of becoming a sex educator, advocate, researcher extraordinaire…the realization of a dream is a huge deal, whether it be to orgasm, or to write about my own personal odyssey and put my best effort towards joining the ranks of the ever-important and always-necessary sex educators (at least, i hope so).